Musings / My Thoughts

When I Don’t Trust God

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I had a conversation with my best friend last night. After hearing me gripe and bitch and moan about something that was troubling me,  my bestie said something that gave me pause. She noted that it wasn’t problem A or situation B that was the issue but we were entering a territory where I don’t trust God.

I could’ve gone on about how of course I trust God. How could I not because God is….well, God. I could’ve quoted scriptures like Hebrews 11: 1+3 (Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear.) I could’ve gone on and on about the measure of faith I had…and you what? I’d be a liar. So instead I decided to tell the truth.

I don’t always trust God.

I doubt.

There are moments and days where all my insecurities well up like flood waters and I forget that there is God whose mercy and presence is my life raft.

That doesn’t mean that God’s love is removed because I don’t have the ability to trust in that moment.

Nor does it mean that God isn’t there and doesn’t abide with me in that place.

Despite my struggle, pain, tears shed, or lament experienced, the Spirit of the Living God promised never to leave me or forsake me.

This same God uses my favorite Psalm to remind me that his mercy is over all that he has made. That he will open his hand, satisfy my desires, and attend to my needs.

My doubt, my insecurity doesn’t deter or block God. It gives God the space to show up and prove that I can trust because I am loved so radically and profoundly that the veil betwixt spirit and the natural had to be pulled apart to let all of it through.

That love sometimes looks like late night conversations where I can be bare and receive truth from my bestie who has walked with me through my dark. Or it looks like a friend who flew hundreds of miles to spend 36 hours with me to celebrate my life. Or like the wonderful woman who just brought me flowers to show me how much I mean to her.

It’s in these moments that I remember who God is and where my trust gets restored.

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