Musings / My Thoughts

Affording Myself Intimacy

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I got a 4 am wake up call.

I had a dream and woke up upset which quickly turned to anger. I don’t like being angry especially not in the middle of the night, three hours before I’m scheduled to be up.

“Why the hell am I so angry?”

As I worked through that question, I played on my phone until I saw something that triggered me. And then I gave God an earful.

See 4’oclock is a lonely hour – too late to pick up a phone, too early to message anyone…that is anyone other than God.

So I turned my anger into a conversation with God. It was very one sided.

I feel like I’m in a one sided place right now. I’ve got so much baggage and stuff I’m trying to sort out that I don’t feel like I have the capacity to help other folks sort out their own. I want to be undone and fall apart and take time to cry because I’m in a place where I feel my world is being reconstructed and that, my friends is painful.

I want and need to share my pain and angst and thoughts. I shared this need with someone and am awaiting a response that is something other than silence. That is the reason for my 4 am angry wake up and in telling God this I realized something. I don’t afford myself intimacy.

I have a handful of people who are close to me, who I share true intimacy with. Who I strip away my layers with, sitting bare and unashamed. They are the ones who see me unfiltered, without the emotional make-up the world sees, accepting my tears, slumped shoulders, insecurities and erratic thoughts.

And my anger which is more appropriate to call hurt comes from someone I want around not being around. I’m unsure of how to process that. This may sound messed up but I’m not used to wanting someone’s presence. I’m the type who’s friendly with a lot of people but in being hit with the 2×4 of truth that I don’t afford myself intimacy with all of them made me realize why I’m so upset. Each person I hold close plays a role and when one is missing, I feel it.

This isn’t something that has a resolution, it’s an admission. Part of having your world reshaped comes with the added bonus of learning new things about yourself. Considering this is a time of great transition for me, I’m sure this is just one of many things I will discover about who I am.

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