My friends and I are the sort to have code speak for things. I’m not quite sure of how it happened but somewhere towards the end of college, referencing Harry Potter to talk about emotionality became a thing with us…
Actually, I do remember. It had something to do with Hollins Ring Night and alternate universe HP characters (crossdressing Dumbledore, slutty Hermoine, d-bag Ron, etc.). For some reason we decided that Harry should be emo and for the better part of a decade, hearing someone say “My Scar Hurts” in a faux-British accent is still insanely funny to me.
I said all that to say that that articulating that one’s scar hurts or that one is flipping their bangs means that they’re in a very emotional place.
My scar is driving me crazy these days and I can’t seem to keep my bangs out of my face.
When people ask me how I feel about moving to Chicago, I can only respond by saying I feel a lot.
There’s excitement – I love adventures and feel like I’m embarking on something awesome and grand that’s full of possibility.
There’s sadness – I’m leaving my family and even though people keep saying I have the option of coming back, both my parents and I feel deeply that this is a permanent move whether or not the Chi is the ultimate destination.
I feel fear – I am beginning a new chapter of life that makes me want to poo my pants a bit. This is something I’m doing alone and while I have a couple of friends there, I will be establishing a whole new network.
All of these things swirl like an emotional tornado around me and I’ve found that I’ve busted out in tears at random. Sometimes they are happy tears and other times they’re out of a sense of melancholy.
Today I cried because I finished teaching my last high school class college prep class. I’m going to miss my kids and it broke my heart seeing their reactions when I told them goodbye and reminded them that I won’t be there for them to drive crazy next year. Tears were also shed because I can see their growth. One of my older students came to say goodbye and we spoke about a situation he’s dealing with and I just sat back with awe and pride seeing how much he’s grown in the 2 years I’ve known him.
I know that’s a foretaste of what’s to come because the students I was hired to work with graduate next week and I’ve journeyed with them my entire time at my job. I’m grateful God answered my prayer in getting to see them walk that stage and prepare to go to college.
That’s just the professional stuff.
I have no clue of how my heart is going to break when I tell my godson goodbye. Or have a last hurrah with local friends who have been by my side for forever (or what seems like it).
Or what it’ll be like to actually get on that train in 2 more months and wave goodbye to my parents.
This is hard. Worth it and incredible but so bleeding hard.
So yeah, lots of tears and snot in my world right now. I’m ok though – just taking in and letting out in these last months here in NYC. My scar is hurting so flipping much right now.