Musings / My Thoughts

I Want to Live

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Today I’ve woken up, made and eaten breakfast, talked to a friend, watched a movie, taken a nap and chatted with my grandmother.

Nothing I did required me leaving home and I hate that.

I sat and reflected on the last six years of my life and see how much of it was spent indoors because in the days I’ve been off, I’ve been too tired to put on real clothes and do something if it isn’t at night. I’ve denied invitations for dining and parties and all sorts of fun because the need to rest outweighed the need to socialize. Hell, I’ve even fallen asleep at friends’ houses when we had plans because my body just shut down and my eyes refused to stay open.

Thinking about this makes me look forward to change and my moving in a few months.

I want to study and work in a balanced way. I want to volunteer. I want to cook and eat and take care of my body. I want to shed this weight so I have more energy. I want to dance. I want to explore new places. I want to take the time to build new friendships and do crazy things (that don’t require staying inside). I want to grow in grace and love and get to know God better. I want to clear away the dross in my life and develop healthier habits. I want to minister. I want to make room in my life and my heart to love and be loved.

I want to live.

This first part of my post collegiate life has had its blessings and beauty but I desire more in the time to come. I’ve come to understand the need for family and the importance of quality time for others and for me. One of the moments I look back on with a tinge of shame happened in my first job out of college. My grandmother called me and asked when she was going to see me. I remember pulling out my datebook, going over my schedule and telling her I could pencil her in for a date 3 weeks from that day. I realized the absurdity of that statement shortly thereafter and did what I needed to rectify it but I’m glad it did because it showed me two things.

1) I have to work to make room in my life for the people who make life special.

and

2) I’m a workaholic.

Though I’ve understood that, I’ve still made mistakes and have allowed a sense of duty in some areas of my life stop me from engaging in some things. Or I allowed that duty to serve as an excuse in some cases.

Nevertheless, I hope to work to strike balance in my world. I want to be a wife and mom and business owner amongst other things and if I can’t establish balance simply because I, Alicia, need balance then even if I get what I want, I won’t be the best steward I can be over those things.

I want to live, like really consistently do it up, and I’m glad for what lies before me because it gives me the fresh start I need to make this a reality.

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