Musings / Poetry

Love in Three Parts

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I. Love(d ’86-’12)
I’ve loved you all my days on earth and before
like prayers offered over fetal cell formation that I would know you and I have

I’ve loved you like I came from the womb sleeping because I hear you best when I shut the world out

I’ve loved you since infancy, your presence has drawn me
Sitting hours in your house without uttering a cry

I’ve loved you like pre-literacy, a toddler singing Yes, Lord Yes with the all the conviction my 2 year old heart could muster

I’ve loved you like rejection of Santa, counting down Advent on felt pocketed calendars because even then I loved to celebrate you

I’ve loved you communion being my favorite, sitting with my father excited to experience the wine and bread that represented you
I’ve loved you like committment  since I was 5

I’ve loved you like fighting the scripturally ignorant trying to bind me by religion
That love rooted in relationship demanding they show me you in their words with your Word
I was only 7

I’ve loved you like sitting on bathroom floors with the door locked
Talking to you while my parents waged war outside our conclave until divorce divided us at age 10

I’ve loved you like adolescence and sitting at the feet of teachers
Refusing to do youth church because I knew I’d walk away with the hunger pains of being unfilled

I’ve loved you like seeing the darkness of the abyss in a soul and knowing that hate was centered on me because of You
Sweet 16

I’ve loved you like yoyo prayers and remembering who I am because of you in the moments my flesh welled up
I’ve loved you like a stoop in East Harlem with a friend speaking of you and seeing the beyond the veil

I’ve loved you like southwest Virginia
From me telling you if this is for me let me know as soon as my feet leave this ground and you whispered Yes and so I said Yes to the Temple Mount that is Roanoke at 18

See I’ve loved you but this is where that love turned to fire consuming me
Because this is where I loved you like learning you
like Bible in lap, pen in hand, marking pages
like prophecy and prophet
Like late night, speaking in tongues with my sisters
Where I loved you like insatiable appetite and prayer in the Spirit
Like accepting the call after dreaming dreams like you said I would
This is where I with needle laid psalms on my back as memorial at 22 because I will ever lift mine eyes to thee and will command your kingdom to come til I draw my last breath

I’ve loved you like eagerness in serving and following where you lead in my post collegiate wandering

I’ve loved you like bright eyed and bushy tail working for a church and realizing Church isn’t what it should be
like asking questions and being disappointed with answers
like the ugly cry of my heartbreak
Tears falling because I know this isn’t how you meant for us to live

I’ve loved you like depression, like all grey everything and hating what I do
I’ve loved you like leaving when the fight is gone to explore new battlefields because I can’t stand to be where you are no longer present
Quitting a Christmas present to myself at age 23

I’ve loved you like seeing real brokenness for the first time
Fractured families ripped apart by systems and systematic coursing of drugs like narcotics and hate through their veins

I’ve loved you like reflecting on feelings of hopelessness because I was one against many
Swimming in a body so I could learn not so I could stay which led to tears because I still miss my kids

I’ve loved you like possession because they still are my kids and their families, my families because their spirits forever changed mine

I’ve loved you like transition
26 years of life full of them and I’m grateful for every one because they bring me to my present state of love

II. Love (present day)

So there’s the past and then there’s now
And there’s consuming fire and there’s
times where I feel you weigh so heavy that I can barely breathe
And there’s growing rage at injustice
I’m afraid to let it out so I try to avoid speech
Moreso I try and stay silent but I fail because the violence of the spiritual attack is an affront to who I am

See my problem is I walk with I Am, so I’m starting to talk like I am and what erects itself against the knowledge of Love is something I’ll claw with my hands
Or my pen when I type or my voice as it fights against strongholds to give whosoever comes the same rights as me

Because frankly, I’m tired
Of lies posing as truth and men abusing their youth and their elders with fables not scripture laden with demonic power
That keeps men from God in their loneliest hour of desperation

I’ve been desperately wrestling against what wells inside
But I realized that it may be time to turn the tide
Of this fight from internal to external
Consequence of the wrong I see eternal
And I can’t take it anymore because this trash has become offensive to me

And that’s because it offends My Love
So I am taking the offensive
Seeking out my enemy
Whether he sit in the pit of hell or in  some cushy church seat
I could care less about position
My position is this

If in this hour you keep someone from the throne, I’m coming for you
If you speak religion over Gospel and grace that restores, I’m coming for you
If you speak death and not life to what my Love has called to live
Just put a target on your back because you’re on my list too

When I come, don’t expect flesh and blood weaponry
Because you’ve encountered an enemy that’s tools aren’t carnal
In the least
I employ warfare through prayer and petition and ears and a heart that would dare
to listen to people sharing their lives openly

I am an advocate
Intercessor
Sitting in spiritual sackcloth and ashes because I have eyes to see
Poverty, discrimination, deceit and trickery, abuse of power, assassination of character, gossip, lying, laying dormant when you’re called to act, the list goes on
It’s all dangerous, dissonic
I dare say demonic behavior that needs to be stopped

It’s why I sit in silence and yearn for the dark
I’m so deep in this that words
Whether uttered or written
Leave marks on me
I struggle for speech
to scream from watchtowers
As tears fill my mouth instead

Fire scorches the inside of my bones
It is my marrow and I want to be broken
Because every fracture yields a fraction of a donation of this passion

Love is ruining me
And I revel in my unraveling

III. Love in the future

How do I love thee,
Let me count the ways
Or perhaps not
Because counting leads to finite definitions
And I will submit to a Love that is without end

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